TNCP Welcomes New Advice Column - Ask Tamara: I Found My Soulmate and It's Not My Husband!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dear Tamara:

Do you believe in soulmates and that there is one person that perfectly matches you completely?” I have been married for a few years and I just met a man that I believe is my true soulmate. We have so much in common and I believe we are destined to be together. Though I love my husband, this new man makes me feel alive. And it has nothing to do with sex. We just connect on a different and much deeper level. I don’t know what I should do about this.
- Soulmate

Dear Soulmate:

As we live, grow, and change we are always going to meet people we are attracted to; have something in common with; or have a connection based upon like experiences, personalities, and life circumstances. For instance, if you are unhappy in your marriage, you might find yourself having a deep connection with someone else who may be experiencing a similar situation. Would that deep connection exist otherwise, maybe not.

I believe that all people and relationships have their own unique issues. Though I have had an experience where I considered someone my “soulmate” it was not a perfect situation even though our hearts were heavily involved and we shared a connection that lasted beyond the actual relationship. A relationship with a soulmate may not be an ideal situation, fairytale romance, or even something that can be acted upon depending on the circumstances.

Ultimately two people make a decision and commitment to be together and make choices to honor that commitment regardless of who else we meet and/or come in contact with. Is it possible that you have just hit a dead patch in your marriage? You say this other man makes you feel “alive.” At some point in your marriage, did your husband make you feel “alive?” If so, I think you need to revisit that time. Try to figure out what has changed in your marriage that makes you open to meeting someone new. Communicate with your husband and see if you both can get that spark back in the relationship. I think it is a bad idea to end a marriage based on “feeling alive” with someone else. There are so many other people and circumstances (especially if children are involved) affected when a marriage ends.

I encourage you to pray and do some self reflection. Ask yourself some hard questions about you, your husband, your marriage and your level of commitment. Sometimes “finding someone new” is just a scapegoat to get out of a current relationship or a means to correct a mistake or bad decision. And if in fact you have indeed met your “soulmate” but you are committed to your marriage, you might have to take Erykah Badu’s advice and “see him next lifetime,” because this one is already spoken for!

The author of “Been There Done That: And Lived to Tell About It” (due out Spring 2011),Tamara R. Allen is Your Advice Guru giving REAL advice from REAL experience. Email your questions to You can follow Tamara on twitter @tamararallen or check out her daily column and archives at


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