Ask Tamara: Boyfriend Spends Too Much Time With Son!
Saturday, December 3, 2011


Dear Tamara:
My boyfriend has a toddler son who lives an hour away. Every time the child becomes ill, he runs out of town to be with him. 
Even if the child has a simple fever or cold, my boyfriend will run to see about him, and even take time off work. Early in our relationship I had issues with him staying over his son’s mother’s house whenever he visited. 
Now supposedly when he goes he stays at one of her relatives or at a hotel. The truth is we only live an hour away, why does he need to be there for every single illness? Is he using this as an excuse to be around his baby’s mother?
Dear Suspicious:
It is apparent to me that you do not have any children of your own. If so, you would know that no cold or illness is “simple.” 
As a parent, you want to be there for your child at all times, especially when they are sick or not feeling well. I applaud your boyfriend for being active in his son’s life and not allowing the miles between them to interfere with him wanting to be a good father. 
Many times you hear stories about men who dodge their parental responsibilities and here you are complaining about a man being there “too often” for his child!
Now that being said, I understand you being uncomfortable with your boyfriend staying with his son’s mother whenever he visits, but at the same time, I can understand him wanting to stay with his son if he is not feeling well. Unfortunately, that is a very awkward situation for you the girlfriend. 
I encourage you to reevaluate your relationship and determine if this is a situation you can handle and are willing to put up with. Laying on a guilt trip about a man seeing his son, is not the right way to address the real issue. 
The real issue is that you are insecure about the relationship between your boyfriend and his ex. Now I am not sure if this insecurity is warranted, or a figment of your imagination. 
Nevertheless, you and your boyfriend need to talk about the real issues. Do not make the man choose between you and being there for his son. You might not like the end result!

Author of the upcoming book Been There Done That: And Lived to Tell About It (due out Spring 2011).  Email your questions to You can follow Tamara on twitter @tamararallen or check out her daily column and archives at

 This was printed in the December 4, 2011 - December 17, 2011 Edition


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